We can find thousands of articles online telling us how to deal with the pain of life. Archives documenting the right steps to take to heal after suffering, grief, betrayal, heartache and devastation are just a click away. We can find how-to guides on rebuilding by focusing on loving ourselves, empowering ourselves again, regaining our courage, our ability to accept love again. We keep clicking and reading because whatever has happened to us has hardened and hollowed our hearts and we want to find the reverse button.

We are so focused on surviving the next days of pain and grief that we don’t stop to think about when the healing is over. We never talk about the phase after healing, when someone walks into our lives and finds us not in pieces anymore and wants to love us. We never hear about how terrifying vulnerability is after the labor it takes to reconstruct a shattered soul.

We have to learn to love again, with an open and brave heart.

Learning this is a process. Melting the ice that covers our heart after heartache takes unparalleled courage.

We are at the point in healing where we have taken the damaged parts off of ourselves, like Christmas ornaments unhooking from a pine tree, we’ve let them go. We emerge new and somehow, love has walked into our lives again.

But what do we do now?

After healing it’s vital that we live life with an open heart again despite the fact that living that way and getting burned is how we end up in these inevitable phases of life in the first place. There’s not one person out there who hasn’t been trusting and loving to the wrong person. Who hasn’t paid the very high price of that. The betrayal, the hurt, and the heartbreak that sets us back with nothing besides our bare bones.

For especially traumatic experiences people close up. We build a concrete wall around our hearts and refuse to let anyone in. We sometimes even hurt others, because that way we can’t be hurt first. We don’t trust, we question everything and believe nothing.

But we can’t start a new chapter of our lives like this. It’s not fair to all the work we put into our souls after painful experiences like divorce or loss. It’s not fair to the new versions of ourselves that emerge after healing our hearts and finding all that happiness that everyone said was just around the bend. It’s not fair to the person out there waiting on the other side of all this, waiting to wrap you in love.

We have to allow our hearts to be open after heartbreak because what’s the alternative? You’ve suffered, you’ve persevered, you’ve sat in the emotional shit of starting a new chapter of your life all so you can be hard and guarded? To be too terrified to care about anyone again?

That’s no way to live. Out of all the difficult things we go through in life, no one really talks about the bravery required to open our hearts to people, after we’ve been hurt by those we loved.

Leading with an open heart is the truest act of bravery your soul can embark on.

Brave is not knowing if someone is feeling the way we are but telling them we’re all in anyways.

Brave is letting the door to our heart remain open even when someone’s run inside and fucked everything up.

Brave is knowing this might really hurt one day but realizing it might also be a beautiful gift.

Brave is believing the best in someone again.

Brave is giving someone our best again.

Brave is saying the words “I love you,” even though the thought of love nails knots down in the pit of our stomachs.

Brave is trusting someone with our story, not knowing if it’s too soon or too weighted down with pain for them to carry with us.

Brave is letting someone see our flaws, our beautiful scars.

Brave is saying “Hey, I’m here and I’m scared but you’re worth it.”

There’s nothing more amazing to see than someone who was knocked down, hard, and who got up, pulled it back together and shines even brighter, someone brave in the way they love.

Occasionally writers will create an article in response to another piece by another writer. For example, in my community, a journalist recently wrote about a tragic pitbull attack on an elderly woman where the woman was killed by the dog. The writer who reported the opinion piece believed the community needed to stand up and do something about vicious pitbulls. As you can imagine, pitbull lovers from all neighboring cities came out against this opinion and another writer wrote an article in response to the piece, taking the stance that it’s not the dog, it’s the owner. You get the idea.

I have come to the conclusion that I owe the world an article in response to something.

Let me set the stage for this.

My writing career started with an article about dating an older man and dispelling the judgments that surround age difference relationships. Through writing about a subject that, frankly, was never really talked about openly on the internet before, I received hundreds of emails in support and appreciation from young women that felt as though I was a pioneer for age gap love. In their eyes and in my own, I was making something traditionally taboo normal, through sharing the details of my relationship on the internet. I often felt like a fairy, sprinkling a little normalcy on a relationship outsiders typically turned their nose up to.

Five years after that first, deeply personal and honest article went live, I have allowed dozens of other deeply personal and intimate truths to slip from my fingertips and into the abyss of the world wide web. These articles have always been in favor of dating whomever makes you happy in this world, regardless of age.

My age difference relationship ended about seven months ago, after seven years together, and I have been having that out of body experience some do when they finally get out of the fog they have been living in and see things clearly.

I have to write an article in response to my own now, in response to age gap love being 100% normal and good.

The first basic thing you should know is I lied. Not completely but I rounded sharp edges, I polished the rust off the damaged spots of my life. I claimed to bare my heart for those reading along and see now, in hindsight, that I only told half the story.

In my defense, I have been wearing rose-colored glasses for the past seven years. I felt that I was being loyal to my boyfriend by not sharing everything, only the parts that made us look good, the parts that made our relationship look shiny. I never had an issue sharing my own personal troubles, my own personal flaws, but I felt this deep need to protect our relationship. To never expose anything that put a light on our bad qualities or the tension that lived behind our closed doors.

I want to be honest this time when I tell you that my relationship ended because of a lot of things. Jealousy, insecurity, abuse in a number of shapes and forms- vices, words, emotions, a lack of emotions, stress, coping skills, grief, hate, love and so on from us both, not just him and not just me but us as a unit. Part of me wants so badly to hold true to all those articles I wrote that said age didn’t matter. Part of me still wants to just let it lie, say it was all these things and not the age difference. Yet, I sit here knowing fully that I will never get myself into another relationship with an age gap.

As much as it pains me, I have to admit that the age difference was an issue and I have to be mature enough to say I was wrong.

Age does matter. At least in the demise of my relationship it did. And it will matter in all future relationships I embark on.

It matters in so many ways and can be tied into each and every other reason that I listed above. I won’t go through specific examples but I will say that being with someone who isn’t in your general age range is beyond hard.

I was just starting my life while my partner’s life was entering a season of calming down. I was headed to 8am business meetings while he was headed to a Monday free of obligations and schedules. I was walking toward marriage and babies while he was walking through the door to happy hour. I actually can’t believe I am saying this but it’s impossible to navigate life with someone who isn’t even on your metaphorical street. Not even the same neighborhood. Not even the same city.

And how sad for one of you to sacrifice for the other. For him to start over, or for me to never start. For one life to be forever altered by the other. Maybe that’s true love, I don’t know. I used to think so, I used to be willing to give up anything for the man I loved. My 28 year-old-self is really, truly glad that I didn’t give up, that there is still a lot of life ahead of me.

Don’t get me wrong, there where issues well beyond being in different life stages but today, I can easily see how age played a roll in all other issues. Either in the front seat, commanding complete attention, or quietly in the back, out of sight but never out of mind.

And there you have it. My truth today, different than it was 3 years ago, both authentic to my experiences at the time. How painful, beautiful and exciting it is to grow in your life, to see things from a different angle and to adjust accordingly instead of staying rooted in ways and lifestyles not meant for you.

 

2016 broke my heart and 2017 is going to heal it, folks. Not magically, by God sprinkling good happenings all over me but by my own decisions, actions and mindfulness moving into a new year. While last year was rough, I did learn a ton about myself. Emotional rock bottom does that to you right?!

So before going into a few resolutions for 2017, I want to reflect on some positives from 2016.

1. I learned a simple, deeply moving, truth about myself that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: I can do hard things. I can do anything, even hard things. How much of our lives do we spend avoiding hard things? Think about this for a moment. We probably stay in awful jobs, toxic friendships, poor relationships, bad behaviors, negative thinking, addictions, etc because changing would be hard, really and truly hard. We, as humans, do so much to avoid pain, sadness, loneliness and the unknown. We go to great lengths to justify the bad in our lives so that we can avoid dealing with hard things that ultimately will lead us to a better life, all because we don’t realize how strong we really are. If no one has ever told you these words, let me be the first. You can do hard things. You are strong, you are never alone and you matter. You will be in pain but you will get through that pain by your own will and strength because you can do anything, even hard things. Don’t betray yourself another day by avoiding the hard things.
2. Being a “people pleaser” is the worst way to live life. I learned this year that being consumed with the need to make everyone happy is just plain bullshit. I kid you not when I admit it took all 27 years of life for me to see this truth clearly. I have always had the mindset that doing what other people want is how you show them love. If you don’t know this about me personally then I am sure you know someone in your life that has this obnoxious way of thinking. They are the person that never speaks up for fear of making others unhappy, the person that doesn’t say “I want Mexican!” because you might want Italian and they want you to eat what you want or the person that wants to rent a movie after working all week but goes out every Friday night because they can’t say no to their friends or partner. If you are this person, STOP IT. Right now, today, this minute, STOP. Trying to please others is useless because half the time the person you’re pleasing has no idea you’re making an inner sacrifice and really doesn’t want you to anyways. You are the only loser in this lifestyle. Your relationships are sucking because you never address real issues, you’re getting fat off pasta (true living, in my opinion), you’re waking up with a lot of hangovers for no reason and you’re a walking ball of psycho anxiety wondering if everyone is living in harmony! You lose. You have to have a balance in life of being true to what you want, speaking up for yourself and going with the flow at times.
3. God is love, love is God. Faith is needed to keep your heart afloat during tough times.

Now, for 2017, here are a few of my realistic resolutions.

1. Be mindful. According to Mindful.Org, “We all have the innate ability to be present, composed, and to pause before we overreact to the challenges of our busy lives—and that’s the ground of mindfulness. With some guidance and training, mindfulness can develop into a way of living that brings greater focus and effectiveness as well as kindness and caring into everything we do. Both science and experience demonstrate how being mindful brings positive benefits for our health, happiness, work, and relationships.” Someone told me this year that when you’re crying it is because of something in the past or something in the future upsetting you and to calm down be mindful of simply breathing in and out. I have done this a few times when I am upset, worried, anxious or overwhelmed and it’s helped me. I hope to explore mindfulness more this year and other simple exercises to be more present in the moment.
2. Take the GRE. Hey, this is a real and achievable goal! I want to take the GRE in the spring and apply for the MFA Creative Writing Program at ODU in the fall. I have a degree in science and I have a great career so why not go back to school and study the craft I love? I am young and nervous to apply, nervous to put in all that time and effort but more afraid that if I don’t try, I will forever regret it. First step: take and pass the GRE.
3. Quit buying useless stuff. Along with mindfulness, I have been reading a lot about minimalism. While I don’t plan to sell all my worldly possessions, live from two pairs of jeans and three shirts and never watch Netflix again, I do see a lot of value in buying less shit. I spend a lot of money on clothes and while I love fashion, having so many things makes them less meaningful. I often find stuff in my closet with tags on it, never worn and now of no interest to me. About a month ago I stopped buying clothes and it feels good to enjoy what I already have. I cut my cable package too, I was paying $19.99 for HBO when I might watch Game of Thrones once every three months. I cancelled my monthly Sephora beauty box subscription (that was hard) and started taking my dogs to daycare once a week instead of twice. I want to continue this in 2017, I want to be mindful of how I spend my money and aware of the clutter that surrounds me. I don’t need anymore things.
4. More sunrises and sunsets out in the world and not from my bed. This will always be on my resolution list.

I could go on but those are my thoughts as we end 2016 and move into 2017. I pray everyone has a beautiful new years and the best 2017!

As summer comes to an end I have found my way back to my computer. 2016 has not been my year. 2016 has been filled with turmoil, sadness, grief and anxiety. There have been beautiful and joyful moments, don’t get me wrong, but overall this year has been the hardest I have faced.

This happens in life, right? Life is made of ups and downs and sometimes the downs last a long while. Oftentimes the storm lasts one day and other times you’re trying to see the sun 9 months later. The point is that you stay hopeful regardless.

This is me staying hopeful. This is me learning to be resilient. I keep thinking about wasted time. I am haunted by wasted days. Days eaten up by shedding an unnecessary tear, by arguing a meaningless fight, by worrying a over an irrelevant situation. This year I have spent hours on end with my stomach in knots of uncertainty. Where I once felt confidence, assurance and optimism, I now feel endless ambiguity. This change has left me tired and pessimistic.

I keep spending time mad at myself for letting this year take my joy and I have to let that go. If anything, my experiences this year can be seen as an opportunity to grow, a chance to become closer to God, whom I often lean on, and a time to truly focus on the good in life.

Have you ever heard the saying that the way to quiet your fears are to name your blessings? Trying times are exhausting but that is one way to keep things in perspective. It could be worse, it could be unbearable and for some people it is.

Through this year I have learned to deal with heartache, with situations that just don’t make sense, with feelings of indifference and with the inevitable trials that, frankly, weren’t part of the damn plan.

I have learned (read: barely) resilience. I think this year I have been shocked that times are not always great. Bad times come and they go and sometimes, they stay.

I know I am not alone in this rut, so many people all over the world deal with hardship. From the death of a loved one to a year in that uncomfortable grey fog of life, we have all been there and the good news is we all will survive.

So that is where I have been, in the grey. Tangled up in the uncertainty that comes with life’s ebbing tide.